Blessings From Infertility
Struggling with infertility or just feeling like a failure at the overall game of life? I hope this letter to my daughter about the blessings from infertility is salve for your weary soul today.
My darling daughter,
As we walked off the soccer field today, your eyes were full of tears. Muscle cramps and body fatigue required you to come out of the game and regroup. You chocked out the words that your body had failed you today.
We discussed real failure and how we are all human. The subject even came up about how sometimes failure can actually save us from other hurts or bad situations. Like, perhaps cramps took you out of the game long enough to keep an even worse injury from happening during the game.
Why is it that we always look to the negative when we don’t initially get what we want?
This thought has stuck with me all day. Baby girl, I understand. There were years I spent feeling like less of a woman because my body had failed me.
Your daddy and I were desperate to be parents. There were days and months and years of tests, taking temperatures and always the same answer: My body was unable to sustain life. My plan for my life had failed. Motherhood would only happen if it happened separate and apart from my body.
There were days I was devastated. I had failed to do what millions of women do every year. Whatever it was about my body, it was never going to be enough.
And then your Daddy and I met you and your brother.
I’ve never been so thankful to be a failure in my life. Being your mother is the biggest blessing I’ve ever known. Our adoption took us to another country, taught me things about myself I would never have known and my devotion to you is with the same tenacity of every other mother bear who has ever born a cub.
Yes, there are blessings from infertility, from having your body fail you. I know this because I tuck you and your brother into bed every single night, elated about the joy you both bring to my life.
I know what it is like to be disappointed dear daughter. I also know what it means to watch all of those ashes rise from the ground and paint the sky with nothing but color.
With all of my love,